I’ve never been known for my “good” taste in film and television. For starters, my favorite genre of film and television? Supernatural Thriller. I get nauseous on roller coasters and don’t care for gambling, so spooky movies are where I get my cheap thrills. However, what I lack in high-brow cinema, I make up for in the most exacting taste in beauty treatments. I practically try them for a living! Join me as I fuse the two together, by force, like Ben Platt and the role of a teenager.
Premise: (You knew this one was coming!) Hundreds of cash-strapped citizens compete in Battle Royale-meets-Hunger Games-style challenges for a considerable lump sum.
Pros: Becoming adept at converting Korean won to dollars
Cons: Difficult to watch episode six through the tears in your eyes
Pairing: This time of year, my scalp needs all the love it can get. Start with the Bread Mud Mask, which comes in the most GENEROUS tube I’ve ever seen (Other brands: take note!) with no dusty, messy premixing. While it sits, it will suck up all the gross buildup on your scalp that can cause flakes and weigh down your hair. Once it’s finally rinsed out, follow up with the Scalp Serum. True to its name, it’s lightweight but soothes parched scalps in an instant without leaving any residue on my pillows. You cannot and should not remove your eyes from the screen, so throw it on and pay attention.
Premise: A sleepy coastal town is abuzz when strange (miraculous, even!) events occur alongside the arrival of a moody felon and charismatic priest.
Pros: All the complex, three-dimensionally written characters you can eat
Cons: Sometimes, the show is so dark, you are left staring at your own reflection on the screen.
Pairing: Now that we’re swapping our routines for the season, we might as well organize while we’re at it. Enter the cutest little storage solution—lockers by Mustard. (Mine is in the most delightful lilac shade. If I could have one in every room in my apartment, I would.) Sure, open shelving is charming, but you don’t always want to have your embarrassing crap on display. Use the slow burn of this mini-series to purge empties and expired products. Did something not work for your skin type? Have a beauty swap with friends. Stash what’s left in the deceivingly roomy storage unit with a teeny tiny footprint. Breathe a deep sigh of relief.
(Did you recognize that actor from Friday Night Lights? Clear shelves, full locker, can’t lose.)
Final Destination franchise and mini-treatments
Premise: Thanks to a premonition, a group of friends/strangers narrowly escape their demise. They spend the next 90 minutes fighting to outsmart Death’s increasingly convoluted Rube Goldberg devices to off them.
Pros: Teaches a healthy fear of logging trucks
Cons: Instills a lifelong fear of logging trucks
Pairing: Many moments in this franchise require strategic looking away from the screen. Use each of them to physically get up and do a mini-treatment. Start with Bare Hands’ impossibly photogenic glass files—they now have a Pedicure set that includes the first and only beautiful foot file. Later, during a moment of unbearable tension, rub Kate McLeod’s Mama Stone all over your legs. When applied, this solid lotion feels like moisture compression socks. That’s a beautiful thing. Lastly, when you sense the movie is about to go nips up, start treating your old mosquito bite scars from this past summer. Hero’s Dark Spot Duo only takes a minute to apply and packs three hyperpigmentation-banishing active ingredients (niacinamide, tranexamic acid, and vitamin C). Okay, now hurry up and hit play! I want to see what happens to Devon Sawa!
—Or Gotham
Photo via Netflix